Customer Service

From: sarcher55@hmail.org
To: support@heaven.org
Subject: Return?

Dear Customer Service,

I was told when I first arrived that I would have the option to leave, and you know, have another go at everything. Is there someone in particular I need to talk to? What exactly do I need to do to take advantage of this option?

Thank you in advance for your help.

Regards,
Sid Archer

From: support@heaven.org
To: sarcher55@hmail.org
Subject: Re: Return?

Dear Valued Customer,

Thank ye for your email. Your questionſ are important to uſ! Support receiveth a high volume of correspondence, and we hope ye will understand if it taketh uſ some time to respond to your query.

For answerſ to most common questionſ, please see our FAQ at http://www.heaven.org/faq/main.htm

Thank Ye,

Customer Service

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From: sarcher55@hmail.org
To: gabriel@heaven.org
CC: support@heaven.org
Subject: Fwd: Re: Return?

Dear Mr. Gabriel,

I write to advise you of an unsatisfactory experience I had recently. As a long-time customer, I have often recommended your product to others, but this latest experience has soured me.

I emailed customer service with what I thought was a simple and basic question. I received the attached boilerplate response, and when I heard nothing else for two weeks, I emailed them again. I still have not gotten any kind of actual human response, and the FAQ is no help. I am disappointed by this apparent lack of care for customers. The email I got says that my questions are important to you, but the lack of response shows that this is clearly not the case.

Can someone please respond to my question? It’s very simple—I just want to know what I need to do in order to leave.

And I trust that in future, customer service will be more responsive.

Sincerely,
Sid Archer

From: gabriel@heaven.org
To: sarcher55@hmail.org
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Return?

Dear Mr. Archer,

I thank ye for notifying me of your concernſ. Please understand that Support receiveth a high volume of correspondence, and we cannot alwayſ respond to querieſ in aſ timely a manner aſ we would like.

For the answer to your question, please see our FAQ at http://www.heaven.org/faq/main.htm

Thank Ye,

Gabriel

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From: sarcher55@hmail.org
To: aamichael@heaven.org
CC: gabriel@heaven.org; raphael@heaven.org; uriel@heaven.org; selaphiel@heaven.org; jegudiel@heaven.org; barachiel@heaven.org; metatron@heaven.org; support@heaven.org
Subject: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Re: Return?

Dear Mr. Michael,

This is getting ridiculous. I asked a simple question, and I have gotten nothing but non-answers and non-responses. Your subordinates are just giving me the runaround.

It’s not that I’m not grateful for this place. The food and scenery are great. But I don’t get along with my neighbors, I keep breaking harp strings, and I wasn’t married before arriving here, so I’m, what, single for all eternity? (yes, I read the FAQ on that one, I know the reasons behind it—it’s still frustrating!)

All I want is to have another chance at things. I was told that leaving was possible when I first arrived here, and now no one will tell me how to do it! That’s all I ask—that you hold to your promises.

Mr. Michael, please help. I would really like a straight answer on this one.

-Sid Archer

From: aamichael@heaven.org
To: sarcher55@hmail.org
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Re: Return?

Mr. Archer-

I understand that thou art concerned about thiſ issue, but I must ask that thou stoppest emailing my staff about it. I hope that thiſ response will addreſs all of thy concernſ.

I am appalled that incorrect information waſ given thee, on arrival, by one of mine own employeeſ. The clerk who gave thee thiſ incorrect information hath been demoted and put on tuning and polishing duty.

We have, and alwayſ have had, a no return policy (please see http://www.heaven.org/bible/old/fulltext.txt and http://www.heaven.org/bible/new/fulltext.txt for details).

Thy file showeth that aſ a college student, thou spent two yearſ as a Buddhist. Perhapſ thiſ is whence thine erroneouſ assumption of a possible return ariseth. Thou shouldst drop thiſ false idea at once. I must also inform thee that any remaining Buddhist beliefſ thou mayst hold should be discarded immediately (note that aſ an idol-worshipping religion, Buddhism violateth our Termſ & Conditionſ. See http://www.heaven.org/bible/old/the-ten.htm for detailſ)

Aſ for thine other complaintſ: if thou art having difficulty with thy neighborſ, please see http://www.heaven.org/faq/lovethy.htm. And for the broken stringſ, see http://www.heaven.org/faq/harpcare.htm.

Thank thee,

Archangel Michael

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From: sarcher55@hmail.org
To: YHWH@heaven.org
Subject: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Re: Return?

Dear Lord,

I hate to have to escalate this so far, but this is getting ridiculous! No one has responded to my concerns in any remotely satisfactory way, and Michael even attempted to blackmail me into dropping my emails (and was rude to boot).

I was promised when I first arrived here that I could leave, and now I want to. I humbly ask that You keep this promise to me, even if it was made in error or ignorance.

Please help me, Lord.

Best Regards,
Sid Archer

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From: sidarch6@hotmail.gov
To: service@hell.gov
Subject: Maintenance Request

Dear Customer Service,

I think there’s something wrong with my A/C unit…

One thought on “Customer Service

  1. Originally written: April 2008
    Edits: Minor, just a few tiny readability things. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
    Group theme: “The End”
    Inspiration: Take a guess. ;)

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